Shades of Gray
by Nicollette Knight
Summary: "The Force, the galaxy, none of it is black and white, Mee. Everything exists in shades of gray..."


**A/N: Last time I checked I was not George Lucas. Therefore, I do not own Star Wars. If I did, that would be awesome. I am just a fan, and these two have been favorite characters of mine for some time. I hope you enjoy my little story.**

**Shades of Gray**

The Force is a strange and wonderful thing. You will never understand what you are missing until you have been on both sides of the divide.

Atton Rand knew both sides. He had been an adult when the Force was awakened in him. He was now intimately familiar with the soaring heights and the deepest abyss that came with knowing and using the Force. It had given him everything: a new purpose, a way to right the wrongs that he caused in the past and it had brought _her _into his life. She was the very reason he stood here now, accepting of the Force and what it offered him, watching a youngling use a training lightsaber against a simulation. "Good! Zarin, watch your form there." Atton took pride in the youngling's achievements and the role that he played in them.

It had been two standard years. They had done all she had asked. They had found other Force-sensitives. The younglings came to train as the next generation of great Jedi. They rebuilt the temple on Dantooine. And still she had not returned.

Atton knew she was out there. He could feel her presence like the comforting hum of the _Ebon Hawk_ as she tore through the galaxy, trying to save it.

He also knew that she cared for him. He suspected it was why she had left. To be a Jedi meant no personal ties. Emotion leads to the dark side. But Atton knew differently. He didn't grow up in a Jedi temple. He didn't take on Jedi training until he was an adult. He knew emotions could lead a person down a dark path, but one emotion – love – could save you from the dark side.

Atton signaled Zarin that his time was up. Once Zarin had bounded out of the training room, Atton followed, his brown robes dancing about his legs as he made his way to his chambers. The sparse room held little that told the story of who Atton Rand really was. This was the Jedi way, of course. Self sacrifice to save the galaxy from the clutches of evil. And to the Jedi, self sacrifice meant not only taking a blaster bolt to save an innocent life, but giving up most of your identity as well.

Atton went into the small room that connected to his sleeping quarters. He knelt in the center of the room and called on the Force. A white light surrounded him and he was filled with a sense of peace. This feeling alone made all the other hardships associated with the Force worth it.

He opened himself to the Force, hoping selfishly that he might find her waiting. This was a daily ritual, and he hadn't found what he was looking for yet, but he never gave up hope.

_She was kneeling, much like he was, in a stark, cold room. Her eyes were closed and her blonde hair was pulled away from her face in a braid that circled the crown of her head. Atton could only see her profile, but she still was as beautiful as he remembered. She looked up, unsurprised, from her meditation, and he was struck straight to his heart by the blue depths of her eyes. _

_A half amused smile played on her lips as she spoke his name. "Atton."_

"_Meetra," he breathed. Her name was both foreign and familiar on his tongue. He hadn't referred to her by her given name since she had left him those two long years ago._

"_I know why you seek me, Atton, and you know I cannot be what you want me to be. 'There is no emotion, there is peace,'" she quoted._

"_You can be anything you want to be, but you are afraid to let yourself feel. I know for a fact that love is not a product of the dark side. Jedi don't sacrifice themselves out of apathy or duty, Meetra. They do this out of love. A love for all living beings."_

_The Exile let out a breath. "You cannot possibly know what you are talking about, Atton Rand."_

_Atton held in a smile because he knew he struck a chord. "The Force, the galaxy, none of it is black and white, Mee. Everything exists in shades of gray. Love doesn't turn you to the dark side, and apathy doesn't turn someone to the light. Your emotions – and how you control them – dictate how you live and how you use the Force. My life changed for the better when I met you and my feelings for you have only enforced that. You are the reason I am a better man."_

_Meetra had a look on her face that Atton had seen before. She was trying to figure out this puzzle he had put before her. "The Jedi are not apathetic. We have peace, Atton."_

"_Meetra," he started._

_She held up a hand to silence him. "Leave me to meditate, Atton."_

"_I will see you soon," he promised._

As soon as the words left his mouth he felt someone push on his chest though no one had touched him. A moment later he was sprawled on his back, looking at the ceiling in the room that showed nothing of who he was. It was time to show the Jedi Order, Meetra, and himself who he really was. He had given her two standard years. He knew she cared, it had been plain as day through the Force. Now it was time for her to stop running.

Atton pushed himself to his feet and went to the footlocker that stood at the end of his bed in the other room. He unlocked it and dug deep, under the robes and other clothes, until he found what he was looking for. From the bottom he pulled his pilot's jacket, a pair of sturdy boots and a heavy lock box.

He quickly dropped his brown robe to the floor and replaced it with the jacket. The boots he wore while in the temple were traded for the pair he pulled out of his trunk. A utility belt was slung across his hips, his lightsaber clipped to his side. He opened the lock box and opened the top, gazing down at the twin blaster pistols that lay there. He had traded the blasters for a lightsaber in terms of a weapon, but he couldn't make himself get rid of them. Now, he holstered them at his hips and was surprised to find how natural they still felt there.

He threw a few things in a bag and slung it over his shoulder. His heavy boots echoed in the corridors of the rebuilt temple. Meetra had the _Ebon Hawk_. He missed the old freighter. However, the Republic had given them use of some of their ships, and he commandeered one now.

"Hey! You can't – " The young padawan broke off when she saw who turned around to face her. "Master Atton. Please forgive me. I didn't recognize you. Have a safe trip, Master."

The young girl was all apologies. Atton flashed his million-credit smile at her. "No harm. Thanks, kid." He winked and climbed aboard the starship that would take him away from the temple. He sat in the pilot's seat and fired up the engines. It was time to chase down his Jedi.

xxx

Meetra Surik knew her time was running out. She had known that opening herself to the Force, allowing him to find her that way, would invite this, and yet she did it anyway.

Atton's words continued to echo in her mind as she tried to make sense of what he told her and what she had been taught. She remembered the cave on Korriban. Apathy is death. But the Jedi don't advocate apathy, they advocate peace. Was there peace in having no emotions?

Hatred, anger, fear, jealousy. These were all fuel for the dark side. But what of love and happiness? Were these products and tools for the dark side? Meetra supposed they could be. Happiness could be twisted into anger, hatred and grief. Love could turn to hate. Was that a good enough reason to keep Jedi from having personal ties? Was keeping herself away from those she loved and cared about worth this sacrifice? Hadn't she proved she was strong enough to withstand the temptations of the dark side? Malachor V had been overrun by the dark side, and she had stayed true to the light. She had held on to the knowledge that her friends cared about her. That had helped her fight the taint of the dark side when it threatened to overwhelm her.

Meetra rose from her meditative position. She opened herself to the Force, allowing him to use it to track her. Perhaps Atton was right. She was afraid to let go of her old teachings. The Order had cast her out, had wanted to strip her of the Force when she was trying to help them. And yet she clung to their ways, even when she had been shown a different way.

She thought of what Revan had told her. He had left his wife and son to protect the galaxy from the threat of the Sith. Would she be able to leave Atton to save the galaxy? She chuckled a little to herself. Atton would never let her leave on her own to save the galaxy; he would demand to come with. And why shouldn't he? They had worked well as a team before. She was stronger with him, and that was a fact.

She started packing the few belongings that she had. It would take him some time to get here, but she would be waiting.

xxx

The trip had been long, but he finally was touching down in the spaceport of this Force-forsaken planet. He had felt when she allowed him to sense her through the Force. It would be a lie to say he hadn't grinned like an idiot since.

He docked the ship and followed the Force until he found the docking bay he was looking for. When he stepped through the door, he grinned. The _Ebon Hawk_ stood in all her glory before him. She didn't look any worse for the wear and when he heard a familiar beep, he turned his gaze to find T3-M4 at the top of the loading ramp.

T3 beeped at him once more and then turned away, expecting Atton to follow. Atton climbed the ramp, suddenly nervous. What if she changed her mind? He navigated the corridors of her ship as if he had never been away from it. The cargo hold, the med bay, the crew area… it was all exactly as he remembered. He slowly walked toward the bridge, where he knew he would find her.

She was sitting in his seat – her seat, the pilot's seat – waiting. She was dressed much like she had been the last time he had seen her, in robes with her lightsabers clipped to the belt around her waist. He couldn't help but stare at her.

She was here. Atton felt like a schoolboy again, staring at the pretty girl he liked but not sure how to get her to look at him, let alone speak to him. Except Meetra _was_ looking at him. Her gaze was both challenging and shy at the same time. He took a step forward, and then another. She rose out of the seat as he stopped so close to her yet not touching her.

"Atton." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

He lifted his hand and was surprised to find it shaking. He took a deep breath to steady himself and reached across the inches separating them to draw his fingertips down the side of her cheek. He smiled at her sharp intake of breath. "Meetra." She looked up at him and Atton placed his hand gently behind her head, lowering his mouth to hers.

It was the moment he had dreamed of since first seeing her in her underwear on Peragus II. He felt her give up the fight with herself and then her arms went around his neck. Atton's free arm went around her waist, drawing her as close as he could to his body as he deepened the kiss.

Meetra was feeling everything at once. But what she felt the most was complete. This was meant to be. This man, for better or worse, belonged to her. She laid herself bare to the Force before him and was surprised when he returned the gesture. The words she couldn't say out loud were there deep within her, and she felt him learning her secrets. She gently pushed back, learning his secrets, and was surprised to see herself as he did. When she finally came back to herself she was out of breath and being supported by Atton, who looked equally dazed.

"By the Force, Atton, what was that?"

He gave her a roguish grin and shrugged. "No idea, Mee, but I know what it means. You're stuck with me."

Meetra reached out and smacked him lightly. "Let's get out of here. Does the galaxy need saving again?"

"Maybe, but we first have to stop by the temple on Dantooine. I have to tell Blondie that I win." Atton sat down in the pilot's seat with a wink.

Meetra sighed as she took her place in the co-pilot's chair. "What am I going to do with you, Atton Rand?"

"Marry me and live happily ever after?"

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as he started the sequence for take off. "Yes, I think that sounds like a wonderful start."


End file.
